Newsletter 04 – When Negotiation Doesn’t Work

There are some women who think they can talk their way out of a crime situation, just because they are able to talk their way out of bad situations in regular life. “Don’t worry, JJ, I’m sure I can negotiate with him and get myself out of trouble!” So they think they need not learn self-protection and personal safety measures.

I don’t understand why such women would believe that since negotiation works for them in daily life, it ought to work when dealing with a criminal also!

You may think that most women are too clever to try negotiating with a criminal, but when women are facing a criminal assault from someone they already know, many of them don’t recognize that these people are dangerous and should be avoided. So they will still go on trying to talk their way out of trouble. Remember also that some criminals enjoy the process of making the victim try to beg and plead their way out of trouble. It tickles their ego.

But first, let’s look at what negotiation REALLY is.

Genuine negotiation is when what you want and what the other person wants intersect to some degree. For example, if you are willing to buy something for a maximum of $250 and the other party is willing to sell that object for a minimum of $200, you have room to negotiate, and that room is the $50 difference between the price you are willing to pay and what the other person is willing to accept.

THAT is negotiation.

And, by the way, applies even to when policemen negotiate with unruly people. Policemen have to enforce the peace and they don’t want extra admin work. Unruly people usually don’t want to make a trip to the police station. So if the unruly people start behaving and the police don’t need to arrest them, everyone is happy. This intersection of what both parties want is what allows negotiation to take place even in this situation.

Now what if what the criminal wants has no intersection with what YOU want? What if he wants to rape you and torture your children, and you don’t want that at all? Then there is totally NO room for negotiation, and you better be ready to take appropriate and firm action to deal with the threat, rather than hope to talk your way out of it somehow.

If at that point of time you are still trying to plead and beg your way out of trouble when you have nothing to offer the criminal, you are only feeding his ego trip or irritating him, which may make the violence that follows even worse.

Most of the women I know think that negotiation is a trade; for example, I want A & B & C and you want D & E & F. So if I give up my A you are obliged to give up your D, for example. This is how many women see negotiation. Others just keep repeating their ‘requests’ and call that ‘discussion’. Nope, ladies, be honest and call it what it is – nagging! And nagging irritates ALL men, whether they are criminals or not!

Why Look At This Topic?

Remember, in the most cases violent crimes are not committed by strangers, but by people you recognize. And one of the ways criminals will see if you are a suitable victim is to test your boundaries by doing things that are more and more extreme to see if you will tell them “No!” and enforce your boundaries. And if you do not they will eventually attack.

I can’t give you very specific examples because what criminals do to try your boundaries can change. But what will stay the same is the feeling you get – that things were OK, they started getting bad out of nowhere and they are getting worse. And they want you feeling confused, scrambling to try to get things under control, thinking that it’s your fault somehow.

Once you start feeling this way, something has gone wrong. Get out of that situation as soon as possible. Whether it is a violent crime or a commercial cheating, it can’t happen to you if you are not there in the first place!


Like what you get in this newsletter? Learn how to recognize more dangerous situations and how to deal with them in the Walk in Safety ™ Primer Module!


Wellness Infinity Health & Recreation Club
55 Newton Road
#05-02 Revenue House
Singapore 307987

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Registration: email your name, handphone number and desired class time to or SMS your name, email address and desired class time to 94230900.


About Junjie
Musician, Martial Artist and father of two boys. Rambler, thinker and compulsive teacher.

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